A Common Thread

Well I'm back from a weekend with my family. I feel very lucky to have been able to arrange my schedule to spend several long weekends in Massachusetts...where I grew up and where the rest of my family still lives.

The main reason I was up this past weekend was because I had tickets to go to a concert with the my three brothers and one of my sisters. There is a 22 year age spread between my oldest brother and my youngest brother. One of the most important threads that holds us together is our love of music (at least in my humble opinion).

We all love music and our taste, especially in my brothers can be very eclectic. What's really cool is that we all share our taste in music with each other. Almost every single time I show up there is a cd of some kind of music waiting for me. I have found some great bands through the ears of my brothers.

This weekend however it was my band...the one band that I know every word of every song. The band that is the most closely tied to my early adulthood the band I still love to listen to....that I haven't grown tired of. Steely Dan. I don't for one moment believe that my brothers and sister have quite the same affinity that I have for them (it might be in the vicinity) but it was great to be sitting together with them all just singing along and totally rockin. It is just one more perfect thread that ties us to each other.

In those moments I don't know which is better....the band or just enjoying the music with my family. Either way it was a memorable weekend.

The Good Old Days

I have gotten so used to the internet....like most people I suppose. It's just there like electricity and water and laundry and dishes and about 30 or 40 other things I have come to take for granted.

Until.....I arrive at my Mom's house where there is no internet. Yes we have electricity and water and T.V. and food and many of the "necessities" but no internet. My Mom sees no reason to have a computer and therefore no reason for any of the trappings that would go along with having a computer. she managed just fine this far without one so why change now.


And while I understand that.... there is a certain sense of uneasiness that I feel when I am at her house. A sense of being cut off from the world without access to the internet. "relax my husband says...it is like the good old days"

I can't completely disagree and as I sit on the back porch and drink in the breeze rustling through the trees I think I can just wait until Tuesday to get reconnected. That lasts until about 3:30 when I jump into my Mom's jeep and head for the public library for a fix. I start to relax as I connect with my complete world and finally feeling a little more like myself I am ready to go back to my book....the porch ...the view of the water and the "good old days" at least until tomorrow...

Treat Yourself Right

I was talking awhile back about becoming my own best friend and yes I am still working on it. I like nice things and pretty things....not so unusual...I am a girly girl in a lot of ways. I also like to share pretty things with others which brings me to the point of my story.

While visiting a friend today who is a manager of a china store I purchased a Birthday gift for my Mother In Law. She will be turning 88 in eight days. What did she ask for? A seven inch frying pan ( I got her that too). I purchased several pieces of beautiful china for her to have breakfast or lunch on. She lives alone and no longer drives so she eats in often. Looking at this china I knew she would feel special as she used it. She would be treating herself well. I will be happy to know she has beautiful dishes to enjoy her food on.
Treating yourself well in small ways is one way of being a great friend to yourself. It is a visible demonstration that you matter. That you are important. It may seem small but don't be fooled. The small gestures, even to ourselves add up.

Everyone has Something

I have been surrounded by a lot of serious stuff lately. Not because of anything special, but because that is the way life is. We all have something. And it is all relative. There is a woman who shops at our family store.....she has been trying to pick put a sofa for six months. I know it seems ridiculous but to her it is a BIG thing. It is consuming many hours of her life.

I have a son battling heroin addiction. That is my something. Another friend was just diagnosed with a life threatening pulmonary illness. That is her thing.

My Dad has been bedridden for 4 months after breaking his leg in several places and now is battling pneumonia. That is his thing. My Mother just lost her brother and cousin in the space of a couple of months. That is my Mom's thing.

How do we all deal with it. We get up...suit up ...and show up. We lean on each other for support and we keep going. We have faith that we will make it through.

Age Is Only A Number

I was out last night celebrating a friend's 40th birthday with about nine other women. We ranged in age from about 35 years old to about 65 years old but except for a few extra wrinkles or the fact that there were a few inside references from the older women in the group it would be hard to tell which were the 35 year olds and which were the 65 year olds.

As I looked around the table observing everyone....as I love to do.... it really struck me how true it is that age is just a number and it does not always match up with how we feel inside. There have been many a morning that I have absolutely surprised myself as I walked by the mirror. "Who is that?" I will think ..."That old woman can't possibly be me can it?" The fact of the matter is that the woman looking out at the mirror and the woman I see in the mirror don't always match up. Inside I am still young with tons of energy ready to go, go, go. That is my spirit. My body however does not always support what my spirit wants to do but my spirit is not going to bend to my body. Therefore my body will have to kick it up a notch to keep up with my spirit.

I see a lot of that among my friends and when I look back on my mother at the same age I feel younger and with a freedom that I know she did not enjoy. She agrees. Woman today can choose to remain young and vibrant. They don't have to necessarily "act their age." Today women can define what 30 is and 40 is and 50 and so forth. It is not predetermined. It is a wonderful freedom we have. I may be over 40 but I can determine what that means for me just as each of my women friends can define what it means for them.

Family Matters

Family matters are always complex and mine are no different. Coming from a large family and being that we are all older and married or divorced or remarried their are many different personalities to balance. We also have a long history together and looking back it has been like a long flowing ballroom dance.

It has the potential to be graceful and at times we achieve that. At other times there is the inevitable stepping on one another's feet. We trip and fall mumble something under our breath and continue on. I have had my share of being at fault and causing our family dance to be less graceful and flowing as it might have been. What I have learned is that it is easier to step up and admit when I am wrong. It certainly makes things less bumpy and I feel more confident when I can admit when I am wrong. It also helps hold together the web of "family" we have all created.

As I have often said in the end family is a powerful force, one certainly to be reckoned with. One to be appreciated and one to be grateful for. As I look back over this dance I have been involved with over the last 40 plus years I am glad I got up on the floor and didn't shy away from it. It really has been beautiful and I am getting better at it.

Taking a Little Time Off

I am leaving for Massachusetts in the morning to go visit my family and as always I am a bit torn. Why? Because I still have a hard time just leaving work behind. I believe that deep inside this work-aholic is a woman who is just dying to kick back and lay on the beach or sit on the back porch overlooking the water and just read a book. I have to coax her out though and she often puts up a fight cloaked in the "I still have to."..or "I should be working" ....or "I have so much to do."

If it was anyone else but family it would be even harder to tear myself away. Don't get me wrong I do enjoy work but I often know that I can fall out of balance and lean too heavily into the responsibilities and not enough to the family relationships. Both are not equally important and in the end I would rather have the relationships. And some of my most precious relationships have come about because of work.....if my nose is buried in my work I miss nurturing these important unions.

So off I go to see all the family leaving my internet behind (Mom doesn't want it in her house) and I will have to turn my full attention to those I love the most. I am hoping for a little beach time since I miss being close to the water living in the western part of New Jersey but probably the best thing is that I will be taking my own advice and getting my life a little more in balance.

Appreciating the Living

I was having a conversation today with a new and already cherished friend. This is a women who is so attuned to the world around her and the energy that flowed as we exchanged ideas was simply uplifting.


One of the things we were talking about was not only the importance of appreciating those around us but how easy it is to take advantage of even the small opportunities...to acknowledge someone else for their achievements, the impact they have made on the world and on your life.


Often times this falls into the "I meant to" or "I will remember next time" categories and we have missed another opportunity to touch and enrich another human beings life. Life is unsure and yes at times it can seem even more so these days. Have you ever found yourself sitting at the wake or funeral of a friend or family member mentally beating yourself up for all the things you meant to say????


It is so easy to let someone know that they have made a difference and it has been noted. That they have added something of importance to the world or to your life just by being a part of it. Think not only of how that would affect someone by knowing that, but how it would enrich your life by passing that knowledge on.


We always have an opportunity to show our appreciation. It doesn't have to be big and grand and shout out to the world ( though if it's appropriate go for it). It can be small and simple and just whisper..."hey you matter and I am grateful to have you in my life."

The Face Of Addiction

I work with addicts and alcoholics in recovery and the hardest thing to break through is the denial. A addict or alcoholic will look you straight in the eye and lie and lie and lie about their use and abuse of drugs and alcohol. Though they are in the grip of a life threatening disease and I understand that very well to see another human being dump all integrity and morals to protect their use is a horrifying thing to witness.

You may think that sounds dramatic until you witness it for yourself and if you talk to any family member of an addict or alcoholic they will know exactly what I am talking about. The person suffering from addiction may be the greatest person in the world until the drink or drug gets into their body. At that point all bets are off and they move into survival mode.... they have to protect their ability to keep using. It's as though you are watching Jekyll and Hyde up close and personal and it' painful to watch.

When we abandon are values and morals for anything we die a little inside each time.

The Face Of Addiction

I work with addicts and alcoholics in recovery and the hardest thing to break through is the denial. A addict or alcoholic will look you straight in the eye and lie and lie and lie about their use and abuse of drugs and alcohol. Though they are in the grip of a life threatening disease and I understand that very well to see another human being dump all integrity and morals to protect their use is a horrifying thing to witness.

You may think that sounds dramatic until you witness it for yourself and if you talk to any family member of an addict or alcoholic they will know exactly what I am talking about. The person suffering from addiction may be the greatest person in the world until the drink or drug gets into their body. At that point all bets are off and they move into survival mode.... they have to protect their ability to keep using. It's as though you are watching Jekyll and Hyde up close and personal and it' painful to watch.

When we abandon are values and morals for anything we die a little inside each time.

Conversations With Myself

Today was one of those days when I was trying to take notice of the conversations I have with myself. One of the things I have noticed is that I am much harder on myself than I am on any of my friends. I am actually a pretty harsh critic when speaking to myself and don't give much slack.

With my friends however I am encouraging and always looking at the positive. I give a lot of slack and always see the best in each and every one of them. Do I tell them the truth when asked? Yes I do but in a gentle and non-judgmental manner. Why do I treat my friends so well and myself so poorly?

I don't have a really good answer for that, but I am now on a quest to be my own best friend. I am trying to monitor the conversations I have with myself and let up a little on the harsh quality of my own self-directed thoughts. Treat myself with a little more respect and appreciate my own unique qualities. After all with no one else experiences the world through my eyes or has my take on the life experiences we all go through.
I want to enjoy me! But it is going to take some practice as I have been a pretty lousy friend to myself for the past 40 years.

I'll let you know how I make out.

So Where Do You Go?

Today was crammed full of events and errands and just trying to move through the heat and lethargy brought on by the mid-summer slump. I am feeling a bit of an urge to be a little tougher on myself as I feel as though I have been a bit distracted from my goals.

So where do you go in this situation? For me it was a trip to the floor...that's right the floor...with a pillow under my head and my favorite meditation CD in the player. I needed a few minutes to zone out and get re-directed. My goal is still in place and I am moving towards it. A few other things have cropped up in the meantime and though I would initially view them as distraction......with further reflection they are exactly the situations I am drawing into my life for one reason or other.

It is often a little distance and time that reveal exactly why I took a little know side road in this journey into my own fulfillment. I have found that the little roads off the beaten track are often packed with some of the most interesting sights. That is what my life is like these past few weeks. I am taking the scenic journey and not the super highway....in other words it may take me a little longer to get to my destination but I think I will enjoy the ride a bit more.

Taking Responsibility

There are so many times when it seems just more convenient to pass the buck and blame anything else for why our life is the way it is. We can blame the weather, our kids, our spouse, the job, not enough, sleep or exercise...... you get the picture.
Is this a conscious decision or are we being led to believe that its just the right thing to do.

So why am I even harping on this tonight ? Well I just spent an evening with a group of people who have created chaos in their lives...have a lot of negative consequences and are spending an hour explaining to me that I don't understand....they are not responsible. When offered helpful suggestions they decline...they don't want to be boxed in..they want to be free. Taking responsibility for their actions and doing something about it would be to restrictive and they want to be free.

Well guess what?? The real freedom comes in taking responsibility for your actions and their outcomes in your life. When you take the responsibility you can ask for help and accept it. You can change or decide not to at this time. Why because you don't have to get permission from anyone else. You are the one taking ownership. Not the kids, the weather, the wrong job, not enough sleep etc. etc. You actions or lack of them create your own very special outcome.

Why do we want to give our power away? Why are we so afraid to take responsibility?
Have we been handed a preprinted list of things to use to shift the blame by society?
It's important to know where and why we are giving away our ability to take responsibility and resort to blame. If we don't we are going to end up being held hostage and waiting for someone else to rescue us. Is that what you really want? I don't